8. “What, 3 servings of Moo Shoo Pork weren’t enough for you, tubby?”

7. “Your fullness will be short-lived. Like an hour, tops.”

6. “Put all your money and jewelry in the egg roll and nobody gets hurt.”

5. “Today’s dog in alley is tomorrow’s moo goo gai pan.”

4. “Patron who mocks waiter’s accent will unwittingly consume chef’s bodily fluids.”

3. “Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make good busboy. Ask waitress for application.”

2. “Your strength lies in your continued belief that what you just ate was indeed duck.”

1. “Creative Chinese chef without utensils can still find ways to stir soup.”

• “Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.”
• “Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.”
• “Virgin like balloon . . . one prick, all gone.”
• “Baseball wrong . . . man with four balls cannot walk!”
• “Work to become, not to acquire.”
• “Baby conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard.”
• “A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.”
• “Find old man in dark, not hard!”
• “Man who smoke pot choke on handle.”
• “Ok for shit to happen . . . will decompose.”
• “Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.”
• “Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind.”
• “Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk.”
• “Don’t drink and park, accidents cause people.”
• “He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser.”
• “Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!”
• “It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.”
• “Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed.”
• “Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary.”
• “Man who fart in church sit in his own pew!”
• “Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.”
• “Confucius say too God damn much!”
• “Those who quote me are fools.”
• “Man who drive like hell bound to get there!”
• “Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!”
• “Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!” “Man who sit on tack get point!”
• “Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!”
• “Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!”
• “War not determine who’s right, war determines who’s left.”

IF YOU’RE A GUY:

1. You arrive to the party with a group of 10 or more other guys (in Honda’s of course!).
2. You are wearing a plaid or flannel shirt w/ a pair of jeans, Doc Martin’s, and a white shirt underneath.
3. The line at the door is short with mostly guys (90% guys/10% girls).
4. You don’t mind if any girl cuts in front of you even they are ugly. If a guy cuts, you want to start a fight.
5. You hair contains two bottles of mousse, one tube of gel, and one can of hair spray in case one strand gets out of place.
6. You are either bald or you have a 2-hour old fade.
7. Your pants are sagging, a pager is always in the right front pocket snapped on backwards, and your car alarm remote is hanging out in the left front pocket.
8. You stare at every girl at the party, but never approach any of them.
9. You hope the girl you’ve been looking at, knows one of your friends and then you will say “HOOK ME UP!”
10. Gets a woody if a cute girl happens to look at you and smile.
11. As you come into the party, you say “What’s up?” to a guy friend with some sort of hand shake and it always end with a finger snap.
12. You’ve smoked approximately 3 packs of Marlboro Lights before the night is over.
13. You start to ask for cigarettes off of friends after your 3 packs because you think it will kill off the buzz from drinking 1/2 a cup of 8 oz.beer.
14. You take about 2 hours to ask a girl to dance and by the time you get enough nerves to go up to her, one of her guy friends beat you to it. And you end up “muggin” (that’s the look of someone who wants to start a fight) that guy for the rest of the night and you keep telling your friends that “she’s dancin’ with a chump.”
15. You end up settling for dancing with one of your girl friends who doesn’t look as good, have any kind of a body, or have any kind of rhythm (she’s just nice).
16. You come to the party all pumped up and by the time it’s time to go home, you say “That party was weak! There was hella’ ugly girls”… Just because you didn’t hook up with anybody even though there was some fine ass girls.

IF YOU’RE A GIRL:

1. You try to arrive a little late because you know that you get to cut somewhere in the lines as long as you look half decent and you reveal a little bit of your “size A” breasts with your “Wonder Bra.
2. You never bring any money because you’ll usually get in free by flirting with the guys at the door and suckers always buy you drinks.
3. You order Midori Sours and Kamikazes.
4. You are wearing baggy jeans with a black “bebe, Calvin Klein, Kenneth Cole, or DKNY” baby doll shirt.
5. High heeled black boots and a mini black back pack are always part of
   your party attire.
6. Some article of clothing is always black.
7. You play with your hair when you try to get a cute guy’s attention.
8. You introduce yourself in the following manner: your name, some Greek Alphabets, your university, and “Nice to Meet You!”
9. You only acknowledge people who is also wearing articles of clothing with some sort of Greek Alphabets.
10. You get very angry when you see your cute guy freakin’ (dancing very nastily for those who needs the translation) with another girl who is wearing less clothes and more revealing than you.
11. You go nuts when you hear “Bizarre Love Triangle” by New Order. You start to move your hips to the song, as you smile and make your self approachable. You wait 30 seconds as you look around and find out everyone is out there dancin’. You get desperate, then you lower your
    standards by asking the guy whom which you turned down 3 times that night to dance.
12. When that guy turns you down because he thought you were a bitch for turning him down 3 times, you get a few of your girl friends who also went through #11, and you all dance together in a group.

THE PARTY IN GENERAL:

1. Ladies in free before 9:00, then when 9:00 comes around, it becomes free before 10:00, till it’s free all night.
2. The guys at the door get a hard on (or a woody) when a group of girls flirts with them to get in free.
3. The guys in line start to say “Damn, did you see that bitch, she was fine! That’s me dogg, that’s all ME!” … and do nothing about it! Then, at the end of the night he said “She wasn’t all ‘dat. I saw her close up and damn, it looks like someone stepped on her face and kept walkin’!” Because he didn’t hook up with her.
4. Male or female won’t approach one another unless they know one of your friends in your group.
5. The only rap songs you recognize are: “Hip Hop Hooray” and “Baby Got Back”.
6. Most of the people who are dancing have no rhythm. None what so ever.
7. Guys ask girls to dance in a group. 2 on 2, 3 on 3, 8 on 8, etc. “Hey, you wanna’ dance? How many friends you got? We got 8 too!” “Come on girl, stop frontin’!” “We just gonna dance.”
8. The bar never makes any money.
9. The whole dance floor is doing the “Cha Cha” when “Bizarre Love Triangle” is on.
10. Smokers be smokin’ up a storm.
11. Everyone looks like they are 16 if it’s a 18 and over party; people look 17 if it’s a 21 and over.
12. A few guys who actually finished the 8 oz beer are hugging the trash
    can.
13. When the slow song comes on, it’s a cue: For the single people to leave and go outside. Like the outside scene would give you a better chance of hooking up.
14. The pony keg is still half full.

HOW TO PREPARE BEFORE GOING TO A ASIAN PARTY:

1. Buy hair products at Costco.
2. Buy cigarettes at Costco.
3. Go to the barber shop or a friend who really knows how to cut hair, exactly two hours before the expected arrival time and ask for a “FADE”.
4. Have plenty of flannels handy and washed because you don’t want to be wearing the same color plaid as your friends. (This way, there will be a variety of plaids to choose from).
5. Practice the following at home: your attitude, do your hair, sag your pants, try on every color of your plaid shirts, work on your alcohol tolerance by drinking 1 oz. of beer and increasing one oz. a week, go to “bebe” for a $50 black tee shirt, and learn how to do the “Cha Cha”.
6. Practice to check out a girl or a guy without staring for an hour. (Half a second should be your goal).
7. Fix up your Honda’s.
8. Don’t forget your pager since it is a part of your party attire (remember in the right front pocket backwards). Borrow one or just use one even if it’s turned off.
9. Cellular Phones go in the right/left back pocket.
10. Learn the finger snap hand shake.
11. Finally, learn and know the Greek Alphabet by heart.

1. Everyone’s meal today is on you!
2. The ‘special sauce’ came from the floor!
3. Guess what our special ‘drop’ was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!
4. Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.
5. A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.
6. Your dog Sparky…he’s no longer missing.
7. See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.
8. We know where you live.
9. You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.
10. MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus….maybe