I have a problem. Every morning at 6am the workers come into my neighbor's apartment, which is right next door to mine and start pounding on the walls. They just pound and pound until noon, take an hour rest and then pound some more. I work at home and I'm not getting any work done. My boss is threatening to fire me. I want to kill them, but my neighbor is hot and I've been wanting to get into his pants since I moved in. What should I do?

Signed,
Neighborly Love (not related to Courtney)

Dear Neighborly,

Aiyah! First thing- Get earplugs quick! Then talk to your neighbor about your little disturbance, but be sure to wear your earplugs so that your neighbor needs to shout to be heard. Keep asking him to speak louder and finally you can suggest you go into your apartment where it is not so noisy. When he comes in quickly take out the earplugs and feed him some
of Hot Ramen's speeecial Ooh-la-la Ramen Romance Soup. This soup is from an ancient soup recipe book. Very old. Very dusty. So anyway, make some of the Ooh-la-la Ramen Romance Soup and before you know it Loverboy will be seducing you to the sound of pounding nails, if you know what I mean. If it doesn't work cook the soup for a few more hours so the soup makes a nice goop when cooled and you can throw it at the workers from
your balcony when they leave for the day.

Ooh-la-la Ramen Romance Soup

1 package instant Ramen
5 cups water
1 tablespoon soy sauce
1 teaspoon curry powder
1/3 teaspoon balsamic vinegar
1/3 cup frozen peas
1 cup mushrooms
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper (hot hot!!)

boil water. place noodles in when boiling. when the noodles start to separate, put in peas. Add mushrooms after 2 minutes. Turn heat to low and add remaining spices. After two minutes your soup is done. Just remember as a last resort you can always spill it on your neighbor in strategic places. That way you'll either get to wipe up the mess or he'll take his clothes off for you to wash.

- Hot Ramen.
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Dear Hot Ramen,

Why is 2+2=4?
- Eyenstine Naught

Dear Naught,

I can see that you are very troubled soul. I think you need some enlightenment in your life and you probably need to get laid too. But I can only help you with the former, Hot Ramen is versed in many things, but sex therapy makes me blush, so I will refer you to a Dr. Lonnie Nashimoto who comes highly recommended. For enlightenment, however, you may find celestial wonder in my Celestial Wonderment For All Ages Ramen Soup. Make a big pot and drink whenever the sinking doubt about the universe creeps up on you.

Celestial Wonderment For All Ages Ramen Soup

1 package instant Ramen
5 cups water
1 tablespoon soy sauce (or to taste)
1/4 teaspoon balsamic vinegar
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
pinch of nutmeg
1 lemon twist
1 stalk green onion
1 ripe tomato

boil water. place noodles in when boiling. when the noodles start to separate, add soy sauce and vinegar. Chop green onion and dice tomato. Turn heat to low and add tomato green onion and remaining spices. After two minutes your soup is done. Be sure to drink with a big bowl and use two hands watching everything empty into your mouth. You will find enlightened living here.
-Hot Ramen
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Dear Hot Ramen,

Every time I come home I take off my shoes and socks and my socks always disappear. Where the hell are my socks?

- Yuppie in Hell

Dear Hell,

Check the second drawer from the bottom. Otherwise, check your Old Sock Ramen Soup. It's a classic recipe from many years ago Maybe your housemates have found a new solution to your hygienic dilemma. You didn't know you had a hygienic dilemma? Maybe it's a subtle hint.

Old Sock Ramen Soup
Here's a time honored tradition for those supermoms with too much to do
and not enough hours in the day.

1 package instant Ramen
5 cups water
1 tablespoon soy sauce (or to taste)
1/4 teaspoon balsamic vinegar
1 stalk green onion

first identify the socks and pick them up with BBQ tongs or industrial gloves. place it in your cooking pot, but don't turn on the heat yet! You can use those top ramen bricks to do some of your pre-wash scrubbing to get those tough stains out. Add some vinegar to the really difficult spots and squeeze out socks when sufficiently washed. Hang them on the line and they're ready to go for another day. As for that water, just heat it up with the ramen bricks inside, add the remaining ingredients
and viola, a midnight snack, too. (Also works with crusty underwear.)

- Hot Ramen

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