Asian Jokes & Humor Blog

You know you’re Asian if…

1. Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm
2. Your dad is some sort of engineer
3. Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15
4. You ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they’re still lecturing
5. You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry
6. You shop 99 ranch
7. Everyone thinks you’re “Chinese” no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from
8. You’ve had a bowl haircut at one point in your life
9. Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends’ kids
10. You’ve had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest, or library
11. Your parents say, “Don’t forget your heritage”
12. You drive mostly Japanese cars.
13. You’ve learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom
14. You’ve had to eat parts of animals they don’t even put in hot dogs
15. At least once, you’ve started a joke with “Confucius say….”
16. You know what bok choy is
17. You’ve gotten little red envelopes around February
18. Piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back, and closet doors
19. You hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every time someone calls you (e.g. Jean – ee – yah! or Mary – yah!)
20. You have no eyelashes
21. Idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian languages, like the ever-so-popular: ching chong woo bok chi, etc..
22. Your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin
23. The Bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers, octopii) was last night’s dinner
24. Your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher
25. At least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses
26. Your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight to say, “In Korea (or other native country), we studied even more.”
27. Your parents expect you’ll be best friends with any one off the street in any given area as long as they are Asian
28. An Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: “Is that your mother?” Well then, “Is it your sister?”
29. Your relatives’ houses smell like incense, mothballs or both
30. Your parents say, “Calculus? I took Calculus in 8th grade!”
31. Everyone thinks you’re good at math
32. Your parents’ vocabulary is filled with “ai-yahs, and Wah’s”
33. You like $1.75 movies
34. You like $1.50 movies even more
35. Your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks, and English words that make no sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange, and the ever popular lime green
36. Your parents insist you marry within your race
37. You never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation of oriental food
38. You either really, really want to go to UCI or really, really want to stay away from it
39. Your parents have never kissed you
40. Your parents have never kissed each other
41. You learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your parents
42. “You want a stereo?! When I was your age, I didn’t even have shoes!!”
43. People see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to translate
44. You have to call just about all your parent’s friends “Auntie and Uncle”
45. You have 12+ aunts and uncles
46. At expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for your beverage and NEVER order dessert
47. Your parents simply cut the green/black part off the bread and say “Eat anyway. It’s still good.”
48. The vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick glasses.
49. You will most likely be taller than your parents
50. Your parents have either make you play the piano, the violin, or both
51. You get nothing if you do well in school, but crapped on if you don’t
52. When going to other people’s houses, you always have to bring a gift
53. Your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones with the blue and pink stripes at the top
54. Your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or both
55. Your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on TV (i.e. Michael Chan)
56. The furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet, the decorations, or any of the rest of the furniture
57. You have rocks, sticks, leaves, and strange-smelling, unknown substances in your pantry for use as medicine
58. You own a rice cooker or two
59. You buy soy sauce by the gallon
60. Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head
61. Your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to school, how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how much they still appreciated going
62. Your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can “grow into it” and wear it for years to come.

Tags: one liner